Fall

I really love fall except that it leads into winter.  We went to Park City this weekend and the fall colors are beautiful!  Wish I had the means to stay there for a week or so to fully appreciate this time of year.

I sure love my little family too.  I am very blessed!

Colors of Cancer

Cancer changes life in every aspect in small increments.  It's not like I am constantly thinking about it or worrying about it, but still it is there.  Behind every every thought there is a shadow.  The shadow doesn't direct the thoughts but rather colors them.  For example, everything that has to do with my children is tainted with the color blue.  Blue because of my worry that I'm not involved enough with them right now. Blue becuase I worry about what will happen to them if at some point the cancer actually kills me.  Blue becuase I hope they experience calm, and peace, with or without me.  Blue like a gentle, soothing ocean wave.  They are my purpose right now, beyond the day to day; my eternal purpose for being here at all.

Everything about my health is red.  Red I suppose for ANXIETY.  I wonder if I will ever have a stomach ache, or any minor health condition without my first response being, "is it cancer?"  Irrational?  Absolutely.  I'm working on that, telling myself it is irrational and dramatic, but I am no where near conquering it yet.

Anything physical at this point is of course colored with cancer.  Particularly since my entire upper body is affected in some way by the surgeries.  I hope that will go away before too long. It's purple.  Purple for scar tissue, and angry wounds. As these heal, I hope to get back to my regular workouts soon and physical activity will become just plain white.

What I eat is overwhelmingly colored by cancer because it has become my choice of treatment.  I try to think of it as green.  Green for growth, cleansing, and life.  Sweets are now taboo because of the cancer, and I am constantly working on refining my diet to be better and healthier for me.  Every meal, every snack, everything I put in my mouth is directed by my choice of treating my cancer.

Dreams are not a good color right now.  Kind of shadowy grey and black.  I think because the shadow cancer thoughts bother me when concious, so when I'm sleeping they become bigger and darker than they really are.  I hope that by acknowledging the thoughts in the day, the dark dreams will become light again.

Spirituality and my relationship with God is also affected.  I hope for the better because I am trying to rely on Him.  I will admit that even though I know I need Him more, there are days I am a bit pouty and don't reach out to Him.  Lucky for me, I know He is always there ready to embrace me, whenever I come around.  He is forever gracious and patient with me and I know that.  I can't even begin to imagine how I would face this without knowing that I have a Loving Father in Heaven. I hesitate to let my feelings for Him get too close to the surface, for fear that I will be in a state of constant teariness.  That is SO dramatically different from my pre-cancer self.

Friends and relationships are gold.  So precious.  I hope those close to me realize how grateful and blessed I feel for the geniune, loving people in my life.  Relationships were a treasure for me before cancer, but they are much more tender now.  I still don't know how to show it very well, and am terribly awkward at times particularly with physical expressions of love.  I still don't want to be hugged much but I'm getting used to it.

 

The color I don't experience is pink.  Ironic maybe but I guess pink is too cliche' for me.  I never have liked to be lumped in with the crowd...

 

So, while it is not all bad, cancer has become a part of me.  If the Doctors never find another cancerous cell in my body, (and I truly hope they don't) it will still be a part of my life.  I just hope it eventually becomes a small part, and that it fades to one neutral, bland color!

10 Brothers

Our youngest son who is now 4 and a half, is a very social child and especially loves children younger than he.  It was this son who in his own way took the death of our baby the hardest.  He doesn't of course understand death the way we do but he remembers "Baby Johnny" in his prayers regularly.  In fact one day he said specifically, "thank thee for baby Johnny, he's a good brother and I love him."  His love for a brother he has not met on this earth, is very sweet.  It is sometimes a little tricky for me though when he asks for another baby brother.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I think maybe right after we told the children, my son went to play at a friends house whose mother had just delivered a baby.  In the car on the way home from the friends house he asked me, "mom, when can we have another baby Johnny?"  I said, "remember, mommies a little bit sick, and I can't have any more babies."  His reply to that was, "well, maybe when you die, we can get a new mom, and she can have a baby."  His priority was to get that baby brother.  A few weeks later he told a friend's mom, "You know what's sad?  Our baby died.  But know what's good?  I think we can earn a new one."  I'm not sure how you earn a new baby but I will do my best...

Today we were at the store where we saw a mother with twins and a baby, all of whom are younger than my son.  He said, "uh, no fair!  They have three babies!"  And I said, "so you would like to have three babies too?"  and his reply, "I wish we had 10 brothers."  I tried to explain that with ten brothers he wouldn't get the one on one time with Mommy and daddy that he so enjoys.  He told me, "that's okay I would play with all my brothers!", then "mom are you sure you can't have any more babies?"  I asked him, "remember how I have that yucky thing that's called cancer?  It would make it really hard for me to have a baby."  Not to mention that I don't think I could even begin to handle raising ten brothers. 

I just thought that since those are some pretty precious conversations, that I should record them, lest I forget.  I love that boy!

Troubles and Friends

So about a month ago, just before I went back to CrossFit, I started to have some numbness and dull aching in my left arm.  I kind of knew what was going on, but I have been trying to ignore it.  Since surgery the pain has intensified and my arm has been swelling more noticeably.  At the appointment a week before surgery I asked the Plastic Surgeon about it and he wanted to blame it on CrossFit.  I didn't say anything to him but I thought, yeah right, "it's what you people have done to me, not what I am doing!" 

I saw the Physical Therapist yesterday, and she tested my range of motion and measured swelling.  Early Lymphodema.  It's basically protein buildup from reduced circulation in the lymph nodes due to the removal of lymph nodes.  They have really got to come up with a better way of testing those things than taking them out!  One would assume that with so many of those little things in our system the removal of three wouldn't be that big of a deal, but, not so.  This is more discomfort than the surgery incisions.  Cest la vie, I guess.  I am going to take a moment and put a positive spin on this; I could have lots more to complain about that a mere arm ache right?  I mean I am alive and relatively pain free.

On a brighter note...Last night I was able to spend some time with some dear friends.  We serve together in a volunteer church position and these women have become my sisters.  I love them!  We have worked together for the last three years and so they have been with me through a lot.  They have patiently listened to me complain, endured being exposed to way more personal information than they would ever want, and have been a shoulder to cry on.  The premise of the church responsibility is that I am supposed to be helping and serving others, when in truth, it has been a constant blessing to me personally.  Maybe that's kind of what the Lord has in mind anyway, that whenever we try to serve someone else, He makes sure to bless us more than we could ever try to bless someone else.
Our "meetings" are always filled with moments of spirituality, laughter, worry for our charges and they last way longer than they should.  But my sweet friends stick it through and it is always more fun than it probably should be.  I know I have said it before, but I love you my dear sisters and I am so grateful to know you!

Surgery

Well, yesterday I had another surgery.  It really hasn't been bad this time around.  I am of course a bit sore but I have much more mobility than I anticipated.  Outpatient surgery is where it is at.  It is so much harder to stay in the hospital.  I really appreciated being able to come home and be where I feel comfortable and like I can start to heal.

This surgery was to replace the tissue expander.  I had originally wanted to be able to use my own tissue for reconstruction, but after a couple of visits with the specialist at the Huntsman in Salt Lake, I came to the realization that at this time I simply don't have enough extra tissue for that.  I am disappointed in that I am stuck with a foreign object in my body and that is imperfect and will eventually fail.  Seriously has anyone read the info the FDA puts out on silicone breast implants? It is amazing that women choose to put these things in their bodies for cosmetic purposes, though that's what I'm doing right? 

I have had yet another drug reaction.  I'm sure that my body is not reacting so much to the medications as it is to the implant.  Since May when I first got an implant I have had allergic reactions to six different drugs.  Six!  I know my body is hypersensitive anyway, but I truly believe that having an implant in my body has magnified that sensitivity.  It stinks.  But there's not much I can do but to say no to the drugs.

Stop It!

I want to be clear that I do not judge anyone for going through with the prescribed cancer treatments of cut, poison, burn.  I know as well as anyone that what works for one person may not work for another.  I totally support those who do what they feel is best, WHATEVER that may be.  Even someone my exact age, with the exact same qualities of cancer that I have, will have a different experience than what I am having.  I fully support and respect women with breast cancer who choose to take a different path. 

I was recently reading a forum on breastcancer.org and was sad to read negative comments directed at women who made different choices.  Women were berated for their choice of Doctor, their choice of reconstruction and definitely the choice of natural treatments.  How sad is that!  We should be a team willing to work together to support each other since we of all people should know how much it is needed.

I love a quote from a talk Elder Uchtdorf gave on mercy.  Speaking of what we should do when we find ourselves judging others he said,

"Stop it!"

 

"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?"

 

Wouldn't the world be a better place if, when we found ourselves thinking ill of someone else for whatever reason, we would just "Stop It!"?

Tough Cookies

Don't think for a minute that someone who chooses not to do chemotherapy is taking the easy way out.  Even with a firm conviction that chemotherapy isn't for you, there are still moments of what if..., and there isn't a lot of support for that decision.  Everyone from the doctors down to family members question your decision. You almost have to have nerves of steel to repeatedly asnwer the question, "why on earth are you choosing this?" And even those who don't ask the question right out, look at you with a look that tells you they think you are a nut job. It takes a certain amount of inner strenghth to follow through with a choice that doesn't follow medical protocal.

I have learned to seriously question the routines and procedures of the medical community beyond just the chemotherapy issue.  I used to think that often doctors have no idea how to evaluate certain issues and even less of an idea of how to treat them, other than to throw some kind of medicine at it. Now I know that is the way it works.  I have learned that it is my job to come to a doctor's appointment prepared with what I think is happening in my body and an idea of how I want to go about treating it.  This is not to say that I don't appreciate doctors and what they do; I know they are tremendously valuable to society.  But I also know they have been limited by the current system. 

I know it sounds like a conspiracy theory, but I do think that the medical community is presently dominated and controlled by Big Pharmaceuticals.  The drug companies are behind the research that educates the doctors who end up prescribing patented and expensive pharmaceuticals that are marketed directly to the public through constant marketing campaigns.  Does anyone else see a problem with a product that is advertised on television and then must be prescribed by your local physician who is educated by the company who advertises that product?  What would we think if the makers of the Big Mac advertised big juicy burgers as health food and then "educated" your doctor to tell you NEEDED a Big Mac to control your appetite for junk food and gave you a slip of paper with a prescribed diet of Big Macs?  Would we not stop to question that?  Why do we just take the slip of paper and head over to the pharmacy without stopping to ask, "isn't there another way?" 

I believe our bodies are amazing things created by a loving Father in Heaven.  I believe he made these bodies in a way that given the proper environment, can overcome many things.  I also believe that our bodies are engineered to eventually fail.  That's where science and physicians should come in; not before.  So in some ways my body has hit that failing point; cancer.  So why don't I take hold of everything medicine has to offer to help with that failing?  In my position, it is because I don't feel like the research shows that it is not scientifically sound. I am 100% likely to experience side effects of treatment, including a very small possibility resulting in death, and have only a vague, unpredictable percentage of being healed or cured.  For me it is way too UNpredictable.  Yet this is the standard of care simply because we lack something better; or do we?

I have learned so much from several sources about the profound effect that diet has on our systems.  I am not naive enough to believe that diet changes are going to heal the world; but I do believe that western society has a lot of improving to do in the diet realm of our lives.  We don't eat like our bodies were meant to be fed.  Our food is so tampered with, it barely resembles the food our ancestors consumed, and in my opinion, it is taking its toll on our bodies.  Just look at a group of random strangers.  Puffy faces, expanding waistlines, dry, rashy skin, blemishes galore.  The list goes on.  Isn't it logical that in a society where food is more available than ever before in history and yet we look like we are slowly killing ourselves with it, that something is wrong?

Okay, I have rambled enough for one day.  I'm not sure I meant to put all of this out there but, these are certainly thoughts that are on my mind.  I don't know how my alternative to chemotherapy is going to go, but I do know that in the past I have been one of the puffy, unhealthy minions walking around oblivious.  Cancer has been my wake up call to clean up my life and environment and hopefully clean up my health.  I am taking steps to treat my body more like it was intended to be treated.  Hopefully, fifteen or twenty years from now I will be able to say it is working.