Colors of Cancer

Cancer changes life in every aspect in small increments.  It's not like I am constantly thinking about it or worrying about it, but still it is there.  Behind every every thought there is a shadow.  The shadow doesn't direct the thoughts but rather colors them.  For example, everything that has to do with my children is tainted with the color blue.  Blue because of my worry that I'm not involved enough with them right now. Blue becuase I worry about what will happen to them if at some point the cancer actually kills me.  Blue becuase I hope they experience calm, and peace, with or without me.  Blue like a gentle, soothing ocean wave.  They are my purpose right now, beyond the day to day; my eternal purpose for being here at all.

Everything about my health is red.  Red I suppose for ANXIETY.  I wonder if I will ever have a stomach ache, or any minor health condition without my first response being, "is it cancer?"  Irrational?  Absolutely.  I'm working on that, telling myself it is irrational and dramatic, but I am no where near conquering it yet.

Anything physical at this point is of course colored with cancer.  Particularly since my entire upper body is affected in some way by the surgeries.  I hope that will go away before too long. It's purple.  Purple for scar tissue, and angry wounds. As these heal, I hope to get back to my regular workouts soon and physical activity will become just plain white.

What I eat is overwhelmingly colored by cancer because it has become my choice of treatment.  I try to think of it as green.  Green for growth, cleansing, and life.  Sweets are now taboo because of the cancer, and I am constantly working on refining my diet to be better and healthier for me.  Every meal, every snack, everything I put in my mouth is directed by my choice of treating my cancer.

Dreams are not a good color right now.  Kind of shadowy grey and black.  I think because the shadow cancer thoughts bother me when concious, so when I'm sleeping they become bigger and darker than they really are.  I hope that by acknowledging the thoughts in the day, the dark dreams will become light again.

Spirituality and my relationship with God is also affected.  I hope for the better because I am trying to rely on Him.  I will admit that even though I know I need Him more, there are days I am a bit pouty and don't reach out to Him.  Lucky for me, I know He is always there ready to embrace me, whenever I come around.  He is forever gracious and patient with me and I know that.  I can't even begin to imagine how I would face this without knowing that I have a Loving Father in Heaven. I hesitate to let my feelings for Him get too close to the surface, for fear that I will be in a state of constant teariness.  That is SO dramatically different from my pre-cancer self.

Friends and relationships are gold.  So precious.  I hope those close to me realize how grateful and blessed I feel for the geniune, loving people in my life.  Relationships were a treasure for me before cancer, but they are much more tender now.  I still don't know how to show it very well, and am terribly awkward at times particularly with physical expressions of love.  I still don't want to be hugged much but I'm getting used to it.

 

The color I don't experience is pink.  Ironic maybe but I guess pink is too cliche' for me.  I never have liked to be lumped in with the crowd...

 

So, while it is not all bad, cancer has become a part of me.  If the Doctors never find another cancerous cell in my body, (and I truly hope they don't) it will still be a part of my life.  I just hope it eventually becomes a small part, and that it fades to one neutral, bland color!